🎒 𝐈 𝐊𝐍𝐄𝐖 𝐈𝐍 𝐄𝐋𝐄𝐌𝐄𝐍𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐘 𝐒𝐂𝐇𝐎𝐎𝐋!!! 🎒
It was elementary school. I was a quiet, soft-spoken child. I talked with my classmates, just like any other kid. I played at recess with friends, just like any other kid. I did get in a lot more trouble than any other kid though, I’ll admit that! 😂
But for the most part, I could’ve been seen as any other “normal” kid. 👦
𝐀𝐧𝐝 𝐲𝐞𝐭, 𝐈 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐝𝐢𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐭. 😕
I knew as early as 1st grade something was different about me. Of course, at that age I didn’t have the understanding I do today about what those differences could’ve meant. 🤔
In 1st grade there was another boy in my grade. I had never met him; he had a different teacher. I had never talked to him; he had his own friends. But something in me, something I couldn’t understand, kept wanting to take second glances at him whenever I saw him. And eventually, it went from second glances to many more glances. 👀
𝐀𝐠𝐚𝐢𝐧, 𝐈 𝐝𝐢𝐝𝐧’𝐭 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐨𝐫 𝐮𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐰𝐡𝐲 𝐈 𝐝𝐢𝐝 𝐢𝐭. 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐨𝐧𝐥𝐲 𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐈 𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐮𝐩 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐢𝐧 𝐦𝐲 𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐝 𝐰𝐚𝐬: “𝐈 𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐡𝐞 𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐤𝐬.” 🤷♂️
I liked looking at this boy’s face. It really confused me! Remember, I was just a little boy; I had no conception of what sexual attraction was at the time! I had heard about having “a crush” on girls, but that was supposed to be with girls, not boys! 👧
So, as much as I questioned why I liked looking at this boy, it only kept coming back to the same conclusion: There was no reason. I just did. 👍
Then in 2nd grade there came another boy, but this time he was in a higher grade. The same types of feelings I had for the first boy happened again with this boy. 👨 Again, no reason. No logic. But this time, my interest in this new boy took an even bigger chunk of my focus while I was in elementary school. 🏫
I still have many memories of it all. But there is one particular memory from elementary school I will never forget. 😱
It was the moment I finally asked myself:
“Could you see yourself kissing a girl?”
I visualized it and I said: “Yeah.” 👍
But then I asked: “Could you see yourself kissing this boy?”
I visualized it and my response: “…I could, yeah.” 👍
𝐁𝐮𝐭 𝐈 𝐚𝐥𝐬𝐨 𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐚𝐲 𝐧𝐨…👎
There is a part of me that is concerned sharing this with you all. By far this is the most vulnerable post I’ve ever written about my personal life. It’s a part of me I’ve kept out of the limelight, purposefully not being a part of my social media “brand”. 👤
A part of me has been scared of judgment. Another part of me is very comfortable with who I am at this point in my life that I don’t feel it’s necessary to share it. And there’s another part of me that is still scared of being typecast into a label of sexuality for what is only just a mere fragment of my whole identity. 😨
𝐁𝐮𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐭 𝐡𝐚𝐬 𝐛𝐞𝐞𝐧 𝐰𝐚𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞 𝐬𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐞𝐝 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐚 𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐞. 𝐈𝐭’𝐬 𝐛𝐞𝐞𝐧 𝐰𝐚𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞 𝐬𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐞𝐝 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐰𝐡𝐨 𝐧𝐞𝐞𝐝𝐬 𝐭𝐨 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲’𝐫𝐞 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐚𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐞. 📖
Sometimes I forget this part of me, which I’m now very comfortable with, is not the same feeling for many others. While today I’m far more accepting with who I am, I know many others out there are still struggling with self-acceptance just like I did. I was in the same boat for a very long time. 🚣
So in honor of National Coming Out Day, that is why I wrote this post. ✍️
𝐁𝐞𝐜𝐚𝐮𝐬𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐭 𝐢𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐰𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐧 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐦𝐞…
📃 It is written for the individuals who hide a part of who they are to be socially accepted.
📃 It is written for the individuals living in fear of rejection if people knew this part of themselves.
📃 It is written for the individuals shaming themselves because they’re in toxic environments which also shame them: “It is wrong!” “Immoral!” “An abomination!”
📃 Just as important, this post is written for the skeptical who are willing to seek to understand through the eyes of someone who is gay.
And I share this post for all of these people above. Because it’s so easy these days for a person to condemn someone they’ve never met, to label an entire group of individuals as “this” or “that“, to demonize from behind the safety of one’s computer screen. 💻
𝐈𝐭’𝐬 𝐚𝐥𝐰𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐛𝐞𝐞𝐧 𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐢𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐨 𝐠𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐳𝐞 𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐬 𝐠𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐩𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐩𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧 𝐢𝐭 𝐡𝐚𝐬 𝐛𝐞𝐞𝐧 𝐭𝐨 𝐮𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐞𝐚𝐜𝐡 𝐢𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐝𝐮𝐚𝐥’𝐬 𝐮𝐧𝐢𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬. 😔
𝐁𝐮𝐭 𝐮𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐛𝐮𝐢𝐥𝐝𝐬 𝐛𝐫𝐢𝐝𝐠𝐞𝐬. 🌉
𝐔𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐬𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐤𝐬 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐧𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬. ❤️
𝐔𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐚𝐠𝐞𝐬 𝐛𝐢𝐠𝐠𝐞𝐫 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐩𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐯𝐞𝐬. 🌌
So among the Voices of Generalization I add my voice today for continued understanding. 🏳️🌈
It took me until I was in my 20’s to finally become more accepting of my sexuality. And some of you might be thinking:
🗣️ “You probably didn’t have a supportive environment.” 🗣️
But as a matter of fact, I was raised and surrounded in a very supportive environment. There were even points I “came out”, but often only going so far as to claim I was bisexual. It was never to a point I was fully comfortable saying it. It was also because I had never in my life been sexually attracted to a woman. 💃
In other words, 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐞𝐥𝐬𝐞 𝐚𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝 𝐦𝐞 𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝’𝐯𝐞 𝐛𝐞𝐞𝐧 𝐨𝐤𝐚𝐲 𝐢𝐟 𝐈 “𝐜𝐚𝐦𝐞 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐜𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐞𝐭”. 🚪
𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐛𝐥𝐞𝐦 𝐢𝐬 𝐈 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐰𝐚𝐬𝐧’𝐭 𝐨𝐤𝐚𝐲 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐢𝐭. 👎
Me! I wasn’t accepting of myself! And it had nothing to do with my environment; it had everything to do with the internal environment I was carrying around inside me. 😨
I hid my sexuality in shame because I was insecure to admit it. A part of me just didn’t want it to be true. 😖 A part of me believed if I could simply be attracted to women like most men that life would be better for me. There were days I wished I could’ve woken up and been attracted to women just so I could blend in a little bit more into the crowd. 👥
Why? Because I didn’t want to be negatively judged by the wrong person. I didn’t want to be potentially bullied for my sexuality. I didn’t want my male friends to start assuming I was only friends with them just so I could sleep with them. 😓
𝑾𝒉𝒐, 𝒊𝒇 𝒂𝒏𝒚𝒐𝒏𝒆, 𝒘𝒐𝒖𝒍𝒅 “𝒄𝒉𝒐𝒐𝒔𝒆” 𝒕𝒐 𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒆 𝒂 𝒔𝒆𝒙𝒖𝒂𝒍𝒊𝒕𝒚 𝒘𝒉𝒊𝒄𝒉 𝒍𝒆𝒂𝒗𝒆𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒆𝒎 𝒐𝒑𝒆𝒏 𝒕𝒐 𝒔𝒐 𝒎𝒖𝒄𝒉 𝒑𝒐𝒕𝒆𝒏𝒕𝒊𝒂𝒍 𝒓𝒊𝒅𝒊𝒄𝒖𝒍𝒆, 𝒄𝒓𝒊𝒕𝒊𝒄𝒊𝒔𝒎, 𝒂𝒏𝒅 𝒓𝒆𝒋𝒆𝒄𝒕𝒊𝒐𝒏? 😞
🗣️ “How do you know you’re gay?” 🗣️
I would ask a similar question back: “How do you know you’re straight?” 🤔
Because you’ve never been sexually attracted to someone of the same sex? It’s the same with me, only I’ve never been sexually attracted to the opposite sex. 👍
Again, I wanted to be. I can definitely see a woman as “beautiful” and “gorgeous”. But you could’ve shown me as many Playboy magazines as you would’ve liked…nothing would happen to my physical body, trust me! 😂
So, I’ve known for a long time. And since I’ve been on a journey of personal growth for so long my sexuality has taken a huge backseat as I developed more parts of my identity. I haven’t participated in the LGBT community in a very long time, nor do I intend to either with the ideological shifts they’ve made the past decade. 👤
And I’m absolutely okay with that! 💯
Before, my sexuality used to be a HUGE part of my identity. Now it’s but a tiny fragment and focus in my life. Rather than being a “gay male“, I’m now “a human being…who also happens to be gay“. 😃
Before, I use to seek out a significant other because I thought being in a relationship would validate me and give me happiness. But today I realize my happiness starts and ends with me, and having a significant other is about sharing my cup with another, not getting mine filled up. ☕
𝐒𝐨 𝐈 𝐬𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐨𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐦𝐞, 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐨𝐬𝐞 𝐰𝐡𝐨 𝐧𝐞𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐬. 🌎
For those who are still struggling:
❤️ 𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠 “𝐰𝐫𝐨𝐧𝐠” 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐲𝐨𝐮.
❤️ 𝐘𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐡 𝐢𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐝𝐞𝐩𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐧𝐭 𝐨𝐧 𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐩𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞’𝐬 𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐯𝐚𝐥 𝐨𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮.
❤️ 𝐘𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐡 𝐢𝐬 𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧 𝐚𝐧𝐲𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐞𝐥𝐬𝐞’𝐬 𝐨𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐨𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮.
What matters is knowing who you are and living with that authenticity. What matters is the approval you give to yourself to be who you are. What matters is the opinions you say towards yourself.
Because once you build that self-love and self-acceptance within yourself:
💪 𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐛𝐞 𝐥𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐚 𝐝𝐞𝐬𝐢𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐭𝐫𝐲 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐚𝐜𝐜𝐞𝐩𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮. 𝐘𝐨𝐮’𝐥𝐥 𝐬𝐢𝐦𝐩𝐥𝐲 𝐥𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐩𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐰𝐡𝐨 𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐦𝐨𝐬𝐭 𝐭𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮.
💪 𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐛𝐞 𝐥𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐚 𝐝𝐞𝐬𝐢𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐞𝐞𝐤 𝐯𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐝𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐰𝐡𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐚𝐫𝐞. 𝐁𝐞𝐜𝐚𝐮𝐬𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐚𝐥𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐲 𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐯𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐝𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐢𝐝𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮.
💪 𝐈𝐟 𝐚 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧 𝐝𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐫𝐢𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐬 𝐚𝐠𝐚𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮, 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞’𝐬 𝐥𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐚 𝐝𝐞𝐬𝐢𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐟𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐚𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐮𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐦 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐛𝐞 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐢𝐬𝐡 𝐭𝐨 𝐬𝐞𝐞 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐥𝐝.
💪 𝐘𝐨𝐮’𝐥𝐥 𝐧𝐨 𝐥𝐨𝐧𝐠𝐞𝐫 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐚 𝐯𝐢𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐦 𝐨𝐟 𝐜𝐢𝐫𝐜𝐮𝐦𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐚𝐝 𝐚 𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐨𝐫 𝐨𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐟𝐮𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐞.
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