Originally written in October 2018
🌟 KARMA CAME BACK TO BITE ME!!!
As a child I remember the many times I was told to do things.
“You have to do this.” “You need to do that.”
“Why?”
“Because you do.” “Because I said so.” “Because that’s how it is.”
At the time I questioned people’s intentions far less, and I simply did what I was told. I was a kid who avoided causing any trouble.
But because of that, karma’s come back to bite me. I’ve come to realize how my past has made such an impact on my life, even presently. There’s a part of me that at times still desires to keep the peace, to avoid confrontations, to avoid being negatively judged by others. It’s to the point that sometimes even mere suggestions from other people giving me guidance sparks my body scrunching up. 😣
I know on an intellectual level people mean well when they want to help me, and I know no one is forcing me to do anything. What I also know is sometimes in these moments my body is reacting differently regardless. In that moment I become a little boy again, hearing someone tell him how he “has to” or “needs to” do things, feeling helpless to powers outside his control. For a moment, my brain interprets one person’s mere suggestion as a declarative demand.
But this problem lies within me, not in their words.
Let me add, I’m not saying I’m a victim or I’m going to become one. What I’m saying is I’m aware these emotions sometimes come up within me from time to time, a lion who for a brief circumstance takes on the role of a sheep.
And I’m continuing to work through it! I continue to reflect on how my emotions in these moments are irrational and unfounded. I conclude how it’s based upon my past conditioning. And I reinforce to my brain I’m going to stay solution-oriented. 👍
And this may surprise you: I take A LOT of responsibility for these emotions! This was a recurring pattern throughout my childhood! There were plenty of times when I was younger where I remained blindly obedient to others. My reasoning was to keep the peace, even in times where I strongly disagreed with others. I take responsibility in knowing I gave my personal power away more often than not when I could’ve held onto it and stood my ground.
I no longer desire to substitute peace in place of honesty about my emotions.
But why did I do it? Why do so many of us people-please like this?!
📍 We don’t see the other possibilities outside our emotional homes.
📍 We are social beings. We all want to feel appreciated, have a sense of community, to possess a tribe to call home. We’ll willingly sacrifice parts of our individuality to feel we connect and belong with others.
📍 We see others who also people-please, and we start to believe that’s the only way we’ll approval.
But it’s not!
Here’s the fact: You CANNOT please everyone. And you don’t need to. It’s something I continue to remind myself of to this day!
With the past behind me, I notice the times I feel most alive now are the times when I feel in complete control over my life, free from boundaries and influences to change my mind. It’s almost a 180 degrees from childhood! Because I experienced so little of it as a kid is the reason I crave it now even more.
I feel liberated:
🙌 When I go for a morning run not knowing where I’m going or how long I’m doing it for.
🙌 When I can meditate and take away the idea of routine and schedules and “entrepreneurs need to do this…” for a time.
🙌 When I sit down to write a post like this with no distractions, just me and ideas vying to be expressed, and time becomes nonexistent.
This morning on my run I saw a hawk in the sky. I was taken by its glide, its speed, and its grace. No one said life was easy, and I was inspired by that hawk this morning to write this.
Throughout the time I wrote this I’ve been listening to Enigma’s “Return to Innocence.” What a fitting title!
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