Letter To My Teenage Self

September 18, 2021September 19, 2021 ~ Donald "Nugget" Arteaga ~ Leave a comment

📜 𝐓𝐎 𝐌𝐘 𝐓𝐄𝐄𝐍𝐀𝐆𝐄 𝐒𝐄𝐋𝐅 📜

I remember being you as a teenager. You were just starting to understand yourself and the world around you.

𝐁𝐮𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐝𝐢𝐝𝐧’𝐭 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐚 𝐥𝐨𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐨𝐩𝐩𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐮𝐧𝐢𝐭𝐲 𝐭𝐨 𝐝𝐨 𝐬𝐨. 🙌

I remember being you in middle school, feeling a greater sense of freedom now that you had left the constraints of elementary school behind. ✊

But you also started to see the extremes kids would go to treating each other badly, not to mention the extremes you were aware of within yourself. 😨

It was not a New Normal you could fully comprehend, but to be fair most students probably didn’t fully comprehend it either.

Perhaps it all could’ve been boiled down to teenage hormones and puberty. But the fact remains it wasn’t pleasant. 🤷‍♂️

𝐁𝐮𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐟𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝 𝐚 𝐰𝐚𝐲 𝐭𝐨 𝐚𝐝𝐚𝐩𝐭. 𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐟𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐝 𝐚 𝐰𝐚𝐲 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐮𝐢𝐥𝐝 𝐮𝐩 𝐚 𝐝𝐞𝐟𝐞𝐧𝐬𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐰𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐥 𝐬𝐚𝐟𝐞𝐭𝐲. 🧱

You modeled your demeanor off of the “tough” guys you saw in movies. Tony Montana from “Scarface”. Tommy DeSimone from “Goodfellas”. John McClane from “Die Hard”. 💪

𝐈𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐠𝐫𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐬𝐞 𝐦𝐨𝐯𝐢𝐞 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐬 𝐚𝐬 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐬𝐜𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐥 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧𝐚 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐦𝐮𝐜𝐡 𝐦𝐨𝐫𝐞 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧 𝐛𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐟𝐞𝐥𝐭 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐥𝐚𝐜𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠.

If anything, modeling these behaviors helped you get attention. It made other kids notice you. It made you feel powerful. There was little incentive to stop. 👊

And that chain necklace you wore…Yeah, the one in the photo here! You wore it because Tony Montana wore one too! 😉

I remember being you as you cussed liberally among your clique of classmates during lunch periods.

𝐖𝐞 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐝𝐢𝐝. 𝐄𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲 𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐮𝐬 𝐮𝐬𝐞𝐝 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐨𝐝𝐚𝐲’𝐬 𝐏𝐂 𝐜𝐮𝐥𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐞 𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐠𝐞𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐞𝐝 𝐢𝐧 𝐚 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐛𝐞𝐚𝐭. ❌

Do you remember that one time your 6th grade teacher heard you? You remember that shocked look on her face, that you of all students would be the one to talk like that? 😲

Regardless, this moment didn’t change much, only that you were much more vigilant not to have teachers hear you in the future.

I remember being you when you felt verbally threatened by classmates. At the slightest criticism you would lambast a blanket of insults onto them. 🤬

𝐈𝐭 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐛𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐝𝐞𝐟𝐞𝐧𝐬𝐞: 𝐜𝐥𝐨𝐚𝐤 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐬𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥 𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐞𝐜𝐮𝐫𝐢𝐭𝐢𝐞𝐬 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐛𝐚𝐥 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐦𝐢𝐝𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧.

Again, you didn’t really know who you were. You were just a kid, taking life in as it came, figuring it out as you went along.

𝐈𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐡𝐚𝐝 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰𝐧 𝐛𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫, 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐨𝐮𝐥𝐝 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐝𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐛𝐞𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫. ❤️

I remember being you when you were diagnosed with Autism, Depression, and Anxiety. All 3 at once! You started to believe these diagnoses with all their descriptions were the answers to your suffering, to explain why you felt the way you did.

𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐞𝐥𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐬𝐞 𝐥𝐚𝐛𝐞𝐥𝐬 𝐚𝐬 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐭𝐲 𝐛𝐞𝐜𝐚𝐮𝐬𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐰𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐥𝐥-𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐚𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬.

📌 You were told you were depressed because of a chemical imbalance in your brain.

📌 You were told you had trouble socializing because autistic people have trouble reading body language and people’s emotions.

📌 You were told there’s a correlation between people with autism and depression and anxiety.

You were given multiple medications, you went to therapy, and thanks to these new labels you were often reminded (inadvertently) about your limitations.

𝐄𝐯𝐞𝐧 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐩𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐝𝐢𝐝𝐧’𝐭 𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐝𝐨 𝐬𝐨, 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐡𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐝 𝐢𝐭 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐢𝐫 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐬. 𝐘𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐨𝐥𝐝 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠, 𝐨𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐧 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐬𝐞𝐥𝐟, 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐰𝐡𝐨 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐰𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐬𝐮𝐩𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞. 😔

I also remember being you going into high school, and you started to gain weight. Your metabolism, which had handled a daily consumption of junk food up to that point, had finally started to slow down.

You went over 200 pounds, and you shamed yourself for it. It’s why you hated being in photos and looking in the mirror; your double chin was there to remind you what you didn’t like about yourself. 👤

In time, you started resisting the labels you’d initially been given. In many cases you openly rebelled from them. ⛔

You still didn’t know who you were, how to get to know the real you, or who you even wanted to be. But you knew it surely wasn’t 𝙩𝙝𝙖𝙩! 👎

Instead of getting to know yourself, it was placed on the sidelines for school subjects you’d never use, engaging in social groups you’d never talk to after graduation, and beliefs about yourself that turned to out to be grossly false.

Please don’t misunderstand me. This letter is not meant to be a chastisement of school or your childhood memories. Rather, I share this with you because I want you to know that your life is going to be 𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐝𝐢𝐛𝐥𝐲 𝐝𝐢𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐭 a decade from now! 😅

𝐀𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐝𝐨𝐮𝐛𝐥𝐞 𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐧 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐛𝐞 𝐠𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐭𝐨𝐨! 😊

Without spoiling all the surprises in store for you, I can assure your life’s only beginning. It’s easy when you’re in the same place for such a long period of time to not see the bigger picture. But eventually you will. 😁

With that said, I must also warn you in advance! ⚠️

Getting to where I am today is not going to be smooth sailing. You’re going to experience many negative emotions, many challenges, and many setbacks. There will be points where you feel hopeless and extremely anxious about the future.

𝐁𝐮𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐬𝐞 𝐦𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐬 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐩𝐚𝐬𝐬 𝐭𝐨𝐨! ❤️

With these hardships you’ll see they were all just fragments of a greater journey you’re going on. You’ll see these hardships happened for a reason, and you won’t be able to become the person you are today unless you go through them first. 🙌

You’ll be here soon! 🙂

✍️ 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝟐𝟗 𝐘𝐄𝐀𝐑 𝐎𝐋𝐃 𝐒𝐄𝐋𝐅 ✍️

——-

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Why It’s OKAY To Not Know! #COVID-19

August 28, 2021August 29, 2021 ~ Donald "Nugget" Arteaga ~ Leave a comment

🚨 𝐁𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐊𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐍𝐄𝐖𝐒!!! 🚨

Have you ever seen those headlines in the news that say “Developing Story” or “Breaking News”? 🚨

𝐈𝐭’𝐬 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐧𝐞𝐰𝐬 𝐬𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐞𝐬 𝐚 𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐲 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐚 𝐬𝐢𝐭𝐮𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭’𝐬 𝐜𝐮𝐫𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐥𝐲 𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐞𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠, 𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐰𝐡𝐢𝐜𝐡 𝐡𝐚𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐜𝐥𝐮𝐝𝐞𝐝 𝐲𝐞𝐭.

Say for example there’s an ongoing hostage situation or a reported shooting at a nearby mall. 😨

In the case of a Developing Story, 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐧𝐞𝐰𝐬 𝐝𝐨𝐞𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐟𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐬. 𝐓𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐮𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐫𝐞𝐩𝐨𝐫𝐭 𝐨𝐧 𝐧𝐞𝐰 𝐩𝐢𝐞𝐜𝐞𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐢𝐧𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐚𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐠𝐚𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐢𝐭. 👍

🌟 Therefore, as an audience member, we cannot assume everything the news is sharing will be entirely accurate. 🌟

Because it’s a Developing Story, some of what they report may just be pure speculation or interviews from witnesses that may not be very reliable. 🗣️

It’s only when the situation has finally settled that the news can finish gathering all the details to compile the most accurate picture of what actually happened…👍

🚨 𝐖𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐂𝐎𝐕𝐈𝐃-𝟏𝟗, 𝐰𝐞’𝐫𝐞 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐢𝐝𝐝𝐥𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐚 𝐃𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐥𝐨𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐒𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐲! 𝐀𝐧𝐝 𝐢𝐭 𝐬𝐞𝐞𝐦𝐬 𝐪𝐮𝐢𝐭𝐞 𝐚 𝐟𝐞𝐰 𝐨𝐟 𝐮𝐬 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐠𝐨𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭! 🚨

The problem is some of us are treating this situation as if it’s already settled. 🤷‍♂️

We’re using the limited pieces of information we’ve been given and using it to make huge assumptions with absolute certainty about what’s happening right now and what will be happening in the future. 🇺🇲

𝐖𝐞’𝐫𝐞 𝐚𝐫𝐠𝐮𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐨𝐮𝐫 𝐟𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐨𝐰 𝐧𝐞𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐛𝐨𝐫𝐬 𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐢𝐧𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐰𝐡𝐢𝐜𝐡 𝐦𝐚𝐲 𝐛𝐞 𝐨𝐮𝐭𝐝𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐝 𝐚 𝐰𝐞𝐞𝐤 𝐟𝐫𝐨𝐦 𝐧𝐨𝐰! 😱

🌟 Just like a Developing Story, things initially reported may need to be corrected, adjusted, or even retracted for greater accuracy. 🌟

The problem is some of us are arguing like we’re witnesses over what we saw in the sky: “A bird!” “A plane!” “No, it was Superman!”

We may have little evidence to say it was Superman, yet some of us are absolutely insisting it was. 😅

But I get it! 🙌

There’s a ton of Uncertainty right now, and for those of us that are extremely uncomfortable with all this Uncertainty a part of us is clawing to get back to Certainty again, back to a place where things make more sense, and it will do so whether that means embracing the next conspiracy theory or the next Opinion article it reads online (“𝐄𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐃𝐮𝐦𝐛! 𝐎𝐟 𝐂𝐨𝐮𝐫𝐬𝐞 𝐈𝐭’𝐬 𝐒𝐮𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐦𝐚𝐧!”). 📰

As we did the past year and a half, we’re going to get EVEN MORE information on COVID-19 in the near future. In turn, we’re going to get into EVEN MORE arguments with people online about this newly discovered information. 🤷‍♂️

𝐁𝐮𝐭 𝐢𝐭’𝐬 𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐧𝐞𝐜𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐚𝐫𝐲!

It’s almost seems like the fanboy mentality every time a new Star Wars story comes out: there’s an aggressive debate among hardcore fans on whether the story is canon or not, whether the writer or director did the work justice, etc.

It’s less about finding the truth and more about endless self-righteous arguing that doesn’t really go anywhere! 😅

🤬 “DONALD, DON’T BE NAIVE! COVID NEEDS TO BE DISCUSSED! THIS AFFECTS ALL OF US!” 🤬

It definitely does! Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying we can’t have civil discussions about it or be up-to-date on the latest information. 👍

🌟 𝐌𝐲 𝐩𝐨𝐢𝐧𝐭 𝐢𝐬 𝐰𝐞’𝐫𝐞 𝐟𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐢𝐧𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭’𝐬 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐢𝐝𝐝𝐥𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐚 𝐃𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐥𝐨𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐒𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐲. 🌟

🤔 Why should we spend so much of our time and energy fighting over information which may not even be accurate a week from now?

🤔 Why should we spend so much of our time and energy thinking about the best decision the government should make when ultimately this decision is outside of our control?

If a group of children decided to debate the ethics on whether a parent should give them cookies despite not eating their vegetables you’d think that’s silly, right? 😂

It’s not just because most children don’t study Ethics, but because regardless of their debate it doesn’t change the fact the parents are the authority figures who will ultimately be making the final decision! 😅

In other words, 𝐚𝐫𝐠𝐮𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲 𝐨𝐟 𝐚 𝐬𝐢𝐭𝐮𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐰𝐞 𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐧𝐨𝐭 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐠𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐜𝐚𝐮𝐬𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐮𝐬 𝐧𝐞𝐞𝐝𝐥𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐩𝐚𝐢𝐧 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐬𝐮𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠.

I’m not an infectious disease expert. I’m not an epidemiologist. I’m not an economist. I may even be reading some of the studies and data I see incorrectly. I may even need to educate myself on how to properly read them! 🙋‍♂️

The point is I’m not an expert, and I won’t claim to be. Quite frankly, I’m an idiot a lot of the time and just do my best not to be seen as one on social media! 😄

𝐁𝐞𝐜𝐚𝐮𝐬𝐞 𝐢𝐭’𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐩𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐰𝐡𝐨 𝐚𝐜𝐭 𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞𝐲 𝐚𝐫𝐞, 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐨𝐧𝐞𝐬 𝐰𝐡𝐨 𝐩𝐨𝐬𝐬𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐡𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐟𝐢𝐝𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐲𝐞𝐭 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐭 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐞𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞, 𝐚𝐫𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐩𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐰𝐞 𝐧𝐞𝐞𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞 𝐦𝐨𝐬𝐭 𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐲 𝐨𝐟. 💯

Because at the end of the day, it’s okay for us to say: “I don’t know”. 😊

It’s okay for us to defer the complex understanding of infectious diseases to experts like Dr. Fauci who has studied them for 𝐝𝐞𝐜𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐬. I have not, and to pretend like I have would be to be willfully ignorant of what I don’t know! 👍

Again, I’m an idiot too! 😊

It’s okay for us to embrace the Uncertainty of Life! 😄

If you won’t give yourself permission, consider this post my permission for you! ❤️

I’m nervous about the future too. I’m nervous about what’s going to happen too. But what I do know, at least for now, is the simple fact that I don’t really know.

And that’s okay! 🙂

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How To Be Pedestal-FREE!

August 22, 2021 ~ Donald "Nugget" Arteaga ~ Leave a comment

🌟 Be pedestal-FREE. 🙌

Have you ever met someone that made you feel lesser…only YOU were the one making yourself feel lesser? 😮

📍 You became infatuated with someone, and you started feeling you weren’t worthy of their attention.

📍 You saw your friend travel to an exotic place on social media, and you started feeling your life would never be as good as theirs.

📍 You saw a celebrity on TV, and you started feeling like you could never possess the talent they have.

I like to call this phenomenon The Pedestal Effect…and we’ve ALL experienced it!

As a kid this happened to me all the time, and I admit it still does happen from time to time. It’s where in your mind you place someone in a superior position that in turn makes you feel inferior. You see this person, seeing traits in them you so desire, and feelings of lack are automatically created within you. This person magnifies what you feel you’re missing in your own life. 👤

This happened to me so often when I was younger!

– It happened with every new infatuation I had in school.

– It happened with every new celebrity I admired.

– It especially happened in moments when I had to enter confrontational situations.

It becomes a harmful cycle. Every time you do it, you reinforce in your mind: “I’m not enough in this moment.” 💬

But there’s a lesson in all this. I’m grateful I’ve been able to learn, grow, and mature through this past stage in my life. It’s something I’m still coming fully to terms with, but I’m getting there.

And you can too!

When you start to experience the Pedestal Effect:

🌟 Remember: It’s just an illusion! You’re not any lesser than you were the moment before you starting experiencing it. It’s past conditioning, your survival brain looking for something that’s wrong. But there isn’t anything unless you let your mind create that meaning within.

🌟 Remember your worth. While your brain wants to lessen in the moment your feelings of self-worth, remind yourself who you are and what you’re made of. Remind your brain that you don’t need what someone else has in order to feel full and complete.

🌟 Remind yourself: this moment is temporary. We all experience moments like these, where our emotions feel out of whack. Stay aware when it’s happening, and continue to remind yourself that what you’re experiencing won’t last. “This too shall pass.”

…Now that it’s passed, let’s go! You’ve got your own gifts you need to continue offering the world.

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How Karma Came to BITE Me! (PERSONAL)

August 22, 2021 ~ Donald "Nugget" Arteaga ~ Leave a comment

Originally written in October 2018

🌟 KARMA CAME BACK TO BITE ME!!!

As a child I remember the many times I was told to do things.

“You have to do this.” “You need to do that.”

“Why?”

“Because you do.” “Because I said so.” “Because that’s how it is.”

At the time I questioned people’s intentions far less, and I simply did what I was told. I was a kid who avoided causing any trouble.

But because of that, karma’s come back to bite me. I’ve come to realize how my past has made such an impact on my life, even presently. There’s a part of me that at times still desires to keep the peace, to avoid confrontations, to avoid being negatively judged by others. It’s to the point that sometimes even mere suggestions from other people giving me guidance sparks my body scrunching up. 😣

I know on an intellectual level people mean well when they want to help me, and I know no one is forcing me to do anything. What I also know is sometimes in these moments my body is reacting differently regardless. In that moment I become a little boy again, hearing someone tell him how he “has to” or “needs to” do things, feeling helpless to powers outside his control. For a moment, my brain interprets one person’s mere suggestion as a declarative demand.

But this problem lies within me, not in their words.

Let me add, I’m not saying I’m a victim or I’m going to become one. What I’m saying is I’m aware these emotions sometimes come up within me from time to time, a lion who for a brief circumstance takes on the role of a sheep.

And I’m continuing to work through it! I continue to reflect on how my emotions in these moments are irrational and unfounded. I conclude how it’s based upon my past conditioning. And I reinforce to my brain I’m going to stay solution-oriented. 👍

And this may surprise you: I take A LOT of responsibility for these emotions! This was a recurring pattern throughout my childhood! There were plenty of times when I was younger where I remained blindly obedient to others. My reasoning was to keep the peace, even in times where I strongly disagreed with others. I take responsibility in knowing I gave my personal power away more often than not when I could’ve held onto it and stood my ground.

I no longer desire to substitute peace in place of honesty about my emotions.

But why did I do it? Why do so many of us people-please like this?!

📍 We don’t see the other possibilities outside our emotional homes.

📍 We are social beings. We all want to feel appreciated, have a sense of community, to possess a tribe to call home. We’ll willingly sacrifice parts of our individuality to feel we connect and belong with others.

📍 We see others who also people-please, and we start to believe that’s the only way we’ll approval.

But it’s not!

Here’s the fact: You CANNOT please everyone. And you don’t need to. It’s something I continue to remind myself of to this day!

With the past behind me, I notice the times I feel most alive now are the times when I feel in complete control over my life, free from boundaries and influences to change my mind. It’s almost a 180 degrees from childhood! Because I experienced so little of it as a kid is the reason I crave it now even more.

I feel liberated:

🙌 When I go for a morning run not knowing where I’m going or how long I’m doing it for.

🙌 When I can meditate and take away the idea of routine and schedules and “entrepreneurs need to do this…” for a time.

🙌 When I sit down to write a post like this with no distractions, just me and ideas vying to be expressed, and time becomes nonexistent.

This morning on my run I saw a hawk in the sky. I was taken by its glide, its speed, and its grace. No one said life was easy, and I was inspired by that hawk this morning to write this.

Throughout the time I wrote this I’ve been listening to Enigma’s “Return to Innocence.” What a fitting title!

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